I'll Say It: I'm Against Raping

I've been known for a few controversial stances over the years. I've been banned by nearly 20 celebrities on Twitter for sending them mutilated dog photos after they support Michael Vick. I'm very pro death penalty. I don't think anybody should be able to have a child without passing 4 separate written exams.

However, finally I'm going to make one of my toughest stances known: I am against raping.

Yes, that's right.

I am against a male forcibly having sexual intercourse with a woman against her will.

Yeah, go ahead, throw all the "statistics" at me about how any woman who wears a sexy dress is "asking for it", it's very compelling. Yes, the argument that Kobe Bryant makes raping okay because he is very good at putting a basketball inside of a metal rim also carries logic. But guess what: Bobby has a no-tolerance policy for raping. I mean, just check out the arguments by the Pro-Rapers:

1. Cavemen Used To Rape Cavewomen All The Time & They Were Our Ancestors

Yeah, guess what buddy - IT'S NOT 10,000 B.C. ANYMORE. This is 2012. Men and women should not have sexual intercourse unless both parties agree. I don't care if the male happens to have a club handy, or if they happen to be in an area with an exorbitant amount of blunt objects. You should not be allowed to hit a woman over the head and forcibly rape her.

I'm not budging on this.

2. Slaves Used To Get Raped By Their Masters, Just Ask Thomas Jefferson

Newsflash Tommy J. - IT'S NOT THE LATE 1700'S ANYMORE. Double Newsflash T-Jeff: SLAVERY IS, FOR ALL I KNOW, NOW ILLEGAL IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. By the way, here's another Bobby opinion that I don't care if your sensitive ears get a hold of - Bobby is staunchly against the act of slavery. Human beings should not be owned by other human beings.

I've kept these views hidden for a while, but damn it, you've all forced my hand.

3. Don't They Legally Rape People In India?

No, you're thinking of arranged marriages.

4. Can you get to the point already, you whiny bitch who yaps all day about stupid bullshit as if anyone cares?

Okay, fine. Here's my point. Don't ask me about gay marriage.

I don't care.

If you ask me about gay marriage, it's like asking me if I am against raping, because it's such an incredibly obvious topic to have a stance on.

I couldn't care less about the topic. Couldn't care less that Obama wants it legal (or wants to be elected). It's such an absurd topic that I can't even wrap my mind about what the "debate" is.

Whenever I hear people talk about this - who do you think you're talking to? If you mention it on Facebook you're talking to mostly a group of modern adults around your age. The only person who is going to counter you is somebody above the age of 60 who lives in Mississippi.

I'm as for gay marriage asI am against raping - "Duh". That's my official stance. That's my fucking analysis. "Duh". Times changed. Laws are always changed. Let them get married.

Also, by the way, if you're against gay marriage, you're definitely either a full-blown closet homosexual, have some kind of bi-sexual leaning you aren't comfortable with, or, at the very least, got a little excited at a picture you saw in US Weekly of Jake Gyllenhaal with his shirt off and had to quickly shut the magazine before anyone in the checkout line saw you.

I'm also qualified to speak on this subject because I have major street cred among gays. After all, my 6th favorite movie of all-time is Brokeback Mountain. One of my closest friends growing up is gay (and black!!!!!) and I am an avid fan of Chopped on Food Network starring uberly-gay Ted Allen. 

Also, here's some logic for gay people who want marriage legalized. Here is a map of states where gay marriage is legalized:

There you go. That's enough. Because guess what, if you're gay, and you're living anywhere besides those states above, then you're a fucking idiot. Really, you're gay and want to get married in Alabama? You shouldn't be allowed to get married at that point based on your I.Q., not sexual orientation.

So don't ever bring this topic up to me again. Also, it'll get passed probably. Stop wasting your time on an obvious topic that isn't really helping anybody. Go help feed a homeless person. Talk about how Obama is bankrupting America and destroying our businesses from the inside out. Campaign against letting Tim Burton and Johnny Depp play dress-up for another $150 million lump of shit. 

Talk about something that matters.

And whatever you do, seriously, don't rape anyone.

Great Quote

"It is only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything."

---Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt), Fight Club