"Iron Man"
What's the dealio?
A snarky, brilliant scientist is kidnapped by terrorists and forced to stay in a cave and build a bomb. He instead builds a super-suit made out of, well iron, I guess, and filled with weapons.
How's the hero?
This is the film that put Robert Downey, Jr. back on the map. I can not stress to you how difficult it would have been to feel the non-shockwaves of Robert Downey, Jr. cast as Iron Man in 2008. I mean, I'm no comic geek or anything, but Iron Man is kind of like a B-level character, no? And Downey, Jr. went from being an Oscar nominated actor in 1991 to massive amounts of coke to prison to doing fucking Gothika with Queen of the Shittiest Films Halle Berry (Seriously, has that woman been in a decent movie since Boomerang? Before you say Monster's Ball, do you remember the film or just the sex scene?) [Now brackets after the parentheses: Here's a Bobby Rule of Film: If a movie stars Halle Berry, Jessica Biel or Eva Mendes in a prominent role, just change the channel. Or pick up a book. Trust me.]
Downey earns his place back among the Hollywood elite. He's funny, likable and hits every line out of the park.
How's the villain?
Jeff Bridges is one of the finest actors we have, but here he's just a very unmemorable bald guy.
What's good about it?
It's fun, breezy and just stops short of "silly" territory to keep us happy. To not be called silly when a man in a giant iron costume is flying into the sub-stratosphere, that's an accomplishment.
What's bad about it?
Doesn't have that extra-level of social issues to bring it to an unforgettable Dark Knight level, but then again, what other superhero movie does?
Final Grade: B+
"The Incredible Hulk"
What's the dealio?
Don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. And don't make a shitty version of him with Eric Bana and Ang Lee. You wouldn't like him when he's portrayed in a shitty movie by Eric Bana and direted by Ang Lee.
How's the hero?
Ed Norton can do no wrong. When you turn in excellent performances in the immortal Fight Club, as a neo-nazi in American History X, a clean-cut lawyer in The People vs Larry Flynt and the lovable yet dangerous Worm from Rounders, you can do no wrong. And Norton doesn't exactly knock this out of the park, but I guess the Incredible Hulk is kind of a cakewalk for a talent like this.
How's the villain?
Outside of the hands of Tarantino, Tim Roth just never did it for me.
What's good about it?
The Hulk looks a bit less cheesy this time around. And "Don't make me...hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm...hungry. No wait, that's not right" is pretty funny.
Another funny moment. "Wanna take the subway?" "Me in a small metal tube full of irate New Yorkers in the biggest city in the world?" "Okay, we'll take a cab."
Also, the ending is pretty cool with Downey. But obviously it should have been after the credits and was thrown in for desperation purposes, since none of the other films had it.
What's bad about it?
I have no idea why it's so hard to make a film about this character. It's just so fascinating that he's the one superhero who does not want to be a superhero. I mean, even Batman deep-down wants to serve people. The story just isn't engrossing, and it's pretty effing predictable.
Final Grade: C
"Thor"
What's the dealio?
A god on another planet goes to Earth for some reason. I don't know. All I remember is the shitty 3-D.
How's the hero?
Chris Hemsworth is a fantastic WWE wrestler. Wait, he's not a WWE wrestler? Oh. As an actor he's a little better than that hammer he's always carrying.
How's the villain?
Shockingly effeminate. Not that this is a terrible thing. Joaquin Phoenix makes a phenomenal, effeminate, bitch-like cowardly villain in Gladiator. But this guy falls more on the bitch side of the scale.
What's good about it?
Portman: "I think his name was...uhh...Thor..."
A few funny "Thor is out of touch with America" moments.
What's bad about it?
The 3-D was the worst I've ever seen, and I've seen some pretty effing shitty 3-D.
The final battle is in the middle of an abandoned town against a no-name robot that is never once in doubt of being defeated from minute 1.
Also, after seeing The Dark Knight raise the bar, the silly, cartoony superhero movies just don't do it for me. I need realism in my superheros-fight-crime-in-a-scenario-that-could-never-possibly-happen-in-a-billion-years plot.
Final Grade: C-
"Captain America"
What's the dealio?
A scrawny soldier desperate to serves his country gets some serum that makes him jacked and takes on a guy with a huge red head.
How's the hero?
I'm not spearheading the Chris Evans fan club anytime soon. He's quite a handsome man. Good for him. He's also pretty damn boring.
How's the villain?
He's pretty red. Kind of cool-looking. Not at all memorable.
What's good about it?
I remember this as surprisingly funny. The lighter superhero movies like this do themselves well by being self aware.
Tommy Lee Jones provides all the comic relief. And he's more than capable. (I borderline think he deserves a supporting actor nomination for Men in Black. No joke.)
"If you have anything to say, now would be a perfect time to keep it to yourself."
Also, I thought the ending was stunningly bittersweet. "I had a date." Unfortunately the ROCKING Captain America score quickly erases any conflicting feelings we might have had.
What's bad about it?
Again, not bad but nothing to write home about. I haven't seen it since and probably never will again.
Final Grade: C+
"Iron Man 2"
Not even going to give this moneygrab the dignity of a review. I remember nothing about it. It's not a carbon-copy piece of garbage like The Hangover Part II (which is a whooooooole other blog) but it was pretty bad.
Final Grade: D
So why would you see The Avengers if you only gave one of these movies a grade above C, you whiny little bitch who always complains about shit and drinks your stupid trendy hipster lattes and doesn't ever shut the hell up? Seriously, why don't you just shut the hell up for once. As if anybody cares about your stupid movie opinions and who you think is a scumbag or a douchebag. NOBODY. Nobody cares. So stop talking. Stop writing this sentence. Just back away from the screen. God, I hate you.
Look, none of them will ever be The Dark Knight. And hey, maybe 5 wrongs make a right, I don't know. The trailer looks pretty cool, the advance reviews are very positive and apparently the movie has a sense of humor for itself. We will see.
And thankfully, not see in 3-D. In my case.
Great Quote
"Holy rusted metal, Batman!"
"What?!"
"The metal. It's all full of holes. It's holey."
"Oh."
---Robin & Batman (Christopher O'Donnell & Val Kilmer), Batman Forever
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