Bobby Book Review: "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter"

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
by Seth Grahame-Smith

What is it about?

The "true" story of Abraham Lincoln is told, where he unites the North and South, deals with depression and the Civil War, signs the Emancipation Proclamation and battles vampires.

Who is the author?

Seth Grahame-Smith is most known for jumpstarting the "mash-up" genre. He's famous for writing a book with the single greatest title in the history of literature: Pride, Prejudice and Zombies. This Lincoln book is a mash-up, but in a different way. Instead of classic literature, he's mashing up the biography of one of the most well-known Americans in history with a Van Helsing-style science-fiction hero.

What's any good about it?

The absolute best part about this book is how solemnly serious it is. What Grahame-Smith does that is so invaluable is that he never alters history in any way. There is no part of Lincoln's life that is fictionalized besides the fact that he was secretly murdering vampires with his trusty ax. The rest of history is intact. In fact, if you took out the vampire elements, it's a very straight-forward version of Lincoln's life, family and political career.

The fact that all of the sensationalized and ridiculous violence occurs in the background is what makes it so fascinating. The author treats the material as if it was real, despite the fact that the title is the most awesomely silly title to come around in quite some time (or at least since Pride, Prejudice & Zombies) and lends you to believe that this will be absurdist trash. It isn't at all. It's fun, exciting, bloody and engrossing.

Maybe I would have made the lead vampire Lincoln's famous friend (gay lover?) Joshua Speed, but Henry Sturgess is a wonderful character.

Also, any book that starts out about Lincoln being forced and tormented by his father to kill a turkey when he was 10 years old, and then throws out the following line, has to be great:

"Abraham Lincoln would never again take another life. And yet he would still become one of the greatest killers of the nineteeth century."

Do you have any complaints, you whiny bitch who complains about everything?

Not many complaints. Perhaps the slavery aspect and Civil War could have been dealt with a bit more creatively? Although I fully understand not wanting to be disrespectful to the horrifying history of slavery in America, so this could be forgiven.

Also, not a complaint on my part, but the fact that the book reads like an encyclopedia entry on Lincoln's life may turn off a few impatient readers.

Are you excited about the movie, you enormous d-bag who yaps all day about movies and hipsters?

Yes, very cautiously optimistic. The trailer looks phenomenal and visually dazzling, which shouldn't be surprising coming from the director of Wanted with Angelina Jolie.

My only concern? The book is not at all "dazzling". The book is pretty wooden and straight-forward on purpose. Is the movie simply an action roller-coaster, or does it capture the heart of the book? Either way, I'll be there to find out.

And no, Mary Todd Lincoln looked nothing like Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

Best Scene?

I'm going to go with the ending in Washington, D.C.

"Some men are just too interesting..."

Final Thoughts

Wildly original, highly entertaining and it has Abraham Lincoln cutting vampires heads off with a fucking axe. What more could you want?

No, seriously, what more could you want?

Bobby Grade: A-

Great Quote

"Abraham Lincoln once said If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North. And those are the principles that I bring into the workplace every day."

---Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office