Bobby Movie Review: "The Tree of Life"

"The Tree of Life"

What is it about?

Good Lord, where to begin? There's a family in the 1950's led by a somewhat strict father and the creation of the entire universe stretched over what feels like 7 hours of film time.
 
How are the top performances?

BRAD PITT as Mr. O'Brien

Brad Pitt has had a fantastic career arc from "pretty boy who doesn't get in the way" to "legitimately a phenomenal actor who can't miss". And for what he's given, he's fine in his role as the father who is clearly a good man but has trouble expressing his emotions. If only this was in a real film, we might have something here.

SEAN PENN as Jack

Sean Penn does absolutely, positively nothing in this film. Not that it's his fault. The entire film is Sean Penn walking around and staring up at the sky as if he's expecting a package to fall to him. That's it. Staring at the heavens in some "deep" thought.


To Penn's credit, he realizes this and bashed the film, openly declaring that his character has absolutely no purpose. Possibly the first and last time I've ever agreed with and respected Sean Penn.

What's any good about it?

The cinematography. That's it.

The film looks absolutely gorgeous. The camera angles, the lighting, the shots of nature. The scenes of the creation of Earth should probably be at some IMAX show at the Museum of Natural History. Nearly every single shot is visibly appealing.

Do you have any complaints, you whiny bitch who complains about everything?

This is possibly the worst film I've ever seen in my entire life.

The Waterboy was painfully unfunny, but thankfully short.

Rachel Getting Married was an abhorrent trainwreck shot on a flip phone from 1999.

The Tree of Life is a 3 1/2 hour epic onslaught of crap.

This is a Hipster Hall of Fame film. I hate movies made for hipsters. This is created for somebody wearing a beret and a fucking obscure band T-shirt who looks at everyone and rolls their eyes that we "don't get it".

Nothing happens in The Tree of Life. The story with the family goes absolutely nowhere. Several characters stare at the sky and whisper to God. "Brother. Father. Keep us. Guide us. To the end of time." That's sample dialogue. This is apparently in order for us to contemplate how deep the human experience is. Or whatever.

There is an unbearable 20 minute stretch (20 minutes!!!) of the "creation" of Earth. It looks nice, but has you tapping your feet to keep it moving at minute two when we get the point.

 

I understand it, hipsters. The "creation of the universe" section is supposed to allow us to view the scope of how insignificant we all are. Charlie Kaufman's brilliant Adaptation got this across better and more intelligently in thirty seconds. 

Insignificant scene after insignificant scene drones on and on, asking us to contemplate a "deeper" meaning that is just not there. Did I mention there's a 5 minute scene with dinosaurs?

There's a 5 minute scene with dinosaurs.

I remember seeing this film in NYC with Stabbin' Stu and Darren McNally. I'm not a dictator from early 1930's Eastern Europe, okay? I can handle if someone has a different opinion than me. The two of them, for example, enjoyed Rachel Getting Married, despite a scene with a fucking dishwasher race that went on for seemingly a week. I respect both of their movie opinions. They both have excellent track records and we are all on the same Movie Level. However, I remember sitting there during the 19th effing time that the little kid looked at the sky and whispered to God, then settling into this beach/afterlife scene that meant nothing, followed by a final pretentious kick in the balls shot that may be God, or might not be, or maybe just a fucking doodle by a bored douchebag in the editing room and thinking to myself:

"If we leave this theater, and both of them say they enjoy this pretentious, arrogant piece of garbage, we are literally going to get into a serious argument. We may fight over this and say things we can't take back."

Thankfully, they both agreed. 

Best Scene

Maybe the dinosaur for pure unintentional laughter.

Final Thoughts

An epic thumbs down for one of the worst "entertainment" experiences of my entire life. I almost want to recommend you see it, just to be able to share in the hatred or to let me know how far you got before you decided to shut it off.

Bobby Grade: F

Great Quote

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

---Edmond Burke