The Bobby Hottest 35

Instead of complaining about women, maybe I should spend an entire post complimenting them by bringing back the formerly annual Bobby Hottest 35, where I list the hottest 35 actresses on the planet. There are only a few things you need to know in advance, starting with:

I am well aware that I do not look like Ryan Gosling

True story: While Arianna was most of the reason why I ended up losing weight recently, here is another phenomenal memory. I went speed dating last year, where you move from table to table and talk to a girl for 5 minutes per girl. The event ended before I got a chance to talk to this really attractive brunette in the corner. I told the girl running the event, "You know I did really want to talk to that girl." She replied "Sure, let's make sure she meets you!"

She walks me over to the girl and says "Sorry, there's one last guy who wants to meet you!" She looks me up and down, and no joke, says "Ummmmm, NO." And walks away.

This really happened.

So the moral of the story: I know that I'm not the most attractive guy on the planet (although I do look better than when the "Ummm NO" girl last saw me, at least).

Also, I'm well aware that it's sexist and wrong to judge people by looks, but in my opinion everyone on this list trades in that right by cashing in largely based on how they look.

It's like Homer Simpson once said, "If you famous people didn't want people going through your garbage and calling you gay, then you shouldn't have tried to express yourselves creatively!"


And since I still feel kind of guilty for this kind of blog, let's do True Story #2!


I stop by my mother's house while she is getting a security system installed. The security guy looks at me and says "I'll tell you who you look like, my man. John Travolta."


Me: "So is that a good thing or a bad thing?"


Security Guy: "I dunno. He made alot of money, at least."

There are no Non-White women on my list

Let's just get this out of the way. I'm just not attracted to minorities. If I were black, I would be deathly insulted if some whiny bitch like Bobby threw "Halle Berry" into his list just as a token black woman for affirmative action's sake. Actually that's not true, if I were black, I would start playing basketball immediately. But you get the point.

It's just simply a preference, that's all. In many ways it would be racist if I **did** include black women. Or something.

For the record, at gunpoint I would include Zoe Saldana or Rhianna. But this is America so I don't have to.

There are no super models on this list

I just feel that when you are paid money for simply being born with unfathomable genetics, that you have already lucked out in life and are getting too much for doing absolutely nothing. You don't deserve a spot on the Bobby Hottest 35 when you already are in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and contribute next to nothing to society. I guess back in the day you could say that they would help people masturbate, but now you have the internet, with actual naked women, so these models are pretty useless.

There are a few women universally regarded as highly attractive that you won't see here

Jessica Alba

I refuse to argue about this. I've always firmly believed that she has an enormous head and I don't intend on backing off from that. 

Mila Kunis

I think this omission is more psychological. I hate Family Guy. I really do. They took The Simpsons blueprint and added cursing and toilet humor, plus a talking dog and baby. It's a sham of the highest order. And whenever Mila talks in that annoying, raspy voice, it reminds me of the show.

Natalie Portman

I don't know, she never did it for me. Also, the fact that she blatantly lied about doing all the dancing in that stupid ballerina movie and fooled the Academy into an Oscar pisses me off. Also, her voice sucks too.

Rachel McAdams

Am I crazy or does she look like a really sexy version of The Joker from Batman?

And without further ado, here is the 2012 Bobby Hottest 35! As always, why 35? Because I'm too lazy and unmotivated to get to 100.

35. AnnaSophia Robb

Just barely LEGALLY making it onto the list, this hottie was chosen because I still remember sitting around bored a few years ago and seeing a blonde that was hot enough that she made me actually sit through 15 full minutes of Race To Witch Mountain. Although feeling deeply ashamed when a then-imdb search said she was 16, I feel much better now, as if I was a pro scout who predicted that some obscure college quarterback would be a monster in the pros. 

34. Amy Jo Johnson

Normally I like to throw in a girl crush from my youth, and usually that spot is reserved for Saved By The Bell's Tiffani Amber-Thiessen. But does anybody remember how hot the pink ranger was from Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers? Also, does anybody remember how there was this huge plot point of that show where they would reveal the identity of the mysterious "White" Power Ranger and it just turned out be the guy who used to be the green one? It seems alot of this was going on in my youth, like when you would play Mortal Kombat and get so excited to earn a new fighter, and it's just Scorpion in a green suit instead of yellow. But I digress.

33. Demi Moore

Kind of the Brett Favre of this list who just won't go away. Put it this way. Look at the picture above. She's basically a manic-depressive with no make-up who is 1 step away from an institution. Plus she's pushing 50. And she's STILL hotter than most girls in their late 20's/early 30's. Those are MVP numbers from an old veteran. She's just like Brett Favre, except she doesn't have a penis to send picture of to a media member while her spouse battles breast cancer. 

32. Amy Adams

Gorgeous redhead who is hot enough for me to forgive an incredibly over-the-top performance in the can-you-top-how-over-the-top-I-am pile of bullshit called The Fighter. Non-Adams note since besides her looks she's boring as hell: I still have no idea whether Christian Bale gave an amazing performance or amazingly shitty performance as Mickey Ward's brother. On one hand, the snippet at the end of the real guy makes you understand why Bale went so crazy in the role, the real guy is a complete mess. On the other hand, an NY Post critic said "Usually it's a bad sign for the acting when you find yourself saying wow, look how much ACTING he's doing!"

31. Alison Brie

I recently bought a SoftSoap dispenser for my bathroom and do you know it probably took a combined 60 minutes to figure out how to open it? There are no instructions on the bottle and I actually had to Google it. I refused to Google it at first because I thought it would be embarrassing if a grown 28 year old man couldn't figure out how to open a soap bottle. So I started poking at this soap bottle like Tom Hanks trying to open the coconut in Cast Away. Fortunately, once I found out how to open it (by turning it to the RIGHT instead of left), I didn't feel so stupid because I have no idea why the soap developers would think this is common knowledge. I know absolutely nothing about Alison Brie. I saw her on a commercial once.

30. Hope Solo

There's a distinct possibility that Hope Solo makes this list simply by being the gem in the garbage can of female athletes. As Adam Carolla used to say (paraphrasing) "Female athletes are never really hot because a hot chick would never run down stairs at fucking 6 am because they don't have to." So for all I know, Hope Solo is only moderately attractive woman kicking a ball with a bunch of chicks who look like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. But who cares. She's hot.

29. Elisha Cuthbert

For some reason I haven't seen her since she was in Old School and that painfully shitty teen "comedy" The Girl Next Door. Probably because she's woefully untalented. But then again, tons of woefully untalented hot chicks have jobs. So who knows. But to make The Bobby Hottest 35 when you haven't been heard from since 2008, that's true hotness.

28. Eliza Dusku

If AnnaSophia Robb is my Bobby Pro Scout pick for future hotness, Eliza Dusku is my Ryan Leaf draft bust. I have no idea how somebody this hot never made a career for themselves. Wasn't she in some failed fox drama about a burlesque show or something? How does that fail when somebody this attractive is doing burlesque? I don't know.

27. Lacey Chabert

I still have absolutely no idea how this chick above used to be the awkward, ugly little kid sister on Party of Five. 

26. Anna Kendrick

I guess her and Chabert kind of look exactly the same. But whatever, I have a thing for very short women.

25. Emily Blunt

You know, I used to love The Office in seasons 1 and 2. Not the monstrosity it has turned into now where they engaged in "everybody-dates-everybody WACKINESS" and get into situations that wouldn't possibly happen in a real office. 

I'll always say that The Office failed because the network never realized that the best part about Michael Scott is that he wasn't STUPID, he was simply ignorant. But the point I'm getting at is this:

It's pretty depressing when the guy who plays Jim Halpert, the lovable everyman who loved the cute engaged secretary in real life is banging one of the 25 hottest women on the planet. Shows you the difference between fantasy and reality.

24. Miley Cyrus

I loved that video of her taking the bong hit. Not that I have any problem with anyone who smokes weed. Just because I love instances like that which bring invincible celebrities down to a human level. We think we know people because they are on a few commercials on TV, then you find out they are slamming dogs face-first into concrete while running a 5 year long dog concentration camp. Okay, I'm confusing Miley Cyrus with somebody else. But Miley is just too sexy with that "aw-gee-shucks-y'all" attitude.

23. Morena Baccarin

This is a woman so hot that she is blatantly violating 2 Bobby red flags that are usually guaranteed to get you shafted from the Hottest 35. 1) She has short hair. And girls with short hair usually remind me of transsexuals. 2) I'm pretty sure she's a minority. But she looks white. A bonus though: I think she's sneakily a decent actress. Even though V was garbage, she did what she could as the sexy alien. And in the best show you don't watch, Homeland, she actually holds her own with a fantastic class of actors. Plus aliens are hot.

Caution! The following 3 entrants are only here because of their large breasts.

22. Kat Dennings

Has this really alluring, sexy, slightly chubby gothic vampire look going. And she has amazing breasts.

21. Christina Hendricks

See above, minus the "really alluring, sexy gothic vampire look". I guess that leaves us with "slightly chubby with amazing breasts."

20. Katy Perry

Just a pair of boobs with a microphone. I think Katy Perry is nearly as untalented as Brooklyn Decker. I loathe every Katy Perry song that has ever been recorded and I'm a guy who has like 5 Avril Lavigne songs on his Spotify playlist. And Ace of Base.

Free advice to aspiring songwriters: Just make a song about how you're going to have fun this weekend. You'll be topping the charts in a week.

19. Avril Lavigne

Oh, Avril. My pop-punk princesss. If I ever sell these into a book, I'll be your real-life Skaterboy.

18. Anna Faris

I've actually always thought Anna Faris deserved better than the bimbo stereotype that she's been typecasted as. I think she has some pretty decent comic timing. Also considering she got a break with a small role in a fantastic drama like Brokeback Mountain and STILL played the ditzy bimbo, her chances are not looking good.

17. Jennifer Lawrence

I'm somewhat torn on this one, because a part of me thinks she kind of looks like a somebody put a baby's head on top of a hot chick's body. But come on, it's the real life Katniss Everdeen! What more could you want? Although if I ever got a chance to date her for real, she would probably dump me within a week when I answered every statement like "I'm gonna go to the hair salon" with "May the odds be EVER in your favor!"

16. Katie Holmes

This photo doesn't do it justice, but I kind of think she sometimes looks like Michael Jackson. So that's a turnoff. But most of the time she looks like this. And she's hot enough that she got multi-millionaire and universally regarded as one of the most attractive men ever, Tom Cruise, to jump on a couch for her and inadvertently ruin his bulletproof career.

15. Lindsay Lohan

Whatever, it's not the Bobby Hottest Role Models list. Also, I'm a manic-depressive addicted to sleeping pills who whines all day, who am I to judge an alcoholic druggie in and out of rehab?

14. Stacey Keebler

I guess it's a pretty enormous upgrade when you go from being spanked on live TV by The Big Show to sitting courtside at the Oscars with George Clooney.  Also a validation of your hotness that was wasted being spanked by The Big Show.

13. Anne Hathaway

It takes somebody truly sexy to make you overlook how painfully annoying she was hosting the Oscars last year. At least James Franco's squinting, smoked-up look was fascinating to debate over if he was actually high at the Academy Awards. Anne Hathaway was sooooooooo eager to please and so high energy and as somebody who is so NOT eager to please and so LOW energy, it just rubbed me the wrong way. But she is stunningly gorgeous and not such a bad actress. Again, I come back to Brokeback Mountain where I thought she had a pretty good little supporting role. And her speech as the new Catwoman in the Dark Knight Rises trailer really hits all the right notes, even if the speech itself sounds like typical liberal garbage about the mean rich guy who won't give away all his money to the "little people". Whatever. She's hot.

12. Amanda Seyfried

A dark secret of mine is that I am actually in a Fantasy Movie League, where we draft actors and score them based on how much money their films make. I drafted Amanda Seyfried so you can imagine how upset I was when her huge steaming pile of bullshit action movie Gone opened and left, with Amanda screeching "WHERE IS SHE?!?!??!" to nobody listening. Fortunately, she looks like a gorgeous robot constructed in a laboratory so nobody cares.

11. Kate Beckinsale

So hot that it makes us forget this gem from Pearl Harbor, as she explains to Ben Affleck why she banged his best friend: "We thought you were dead. And then all this happened!" By "all this", she of course dismisses the most famous attack on American soil in the history of the United States at the time. But guess what, she's not hot enough to make me watch Underworld. If she was that hot, she would be Helen of Troy.

10. Erin Andrews

Listen, what happened to her was absolutely horrible and not cool. But there's a reason that nobody is shooting peephole videos of Shelley Smith from ESPN curling her hair while naked.

9. Jennifer Aniston

I'm as tired as of her whole "I can't get a husband even though I'm stunningly gorgeous and probably worth over $50 million" routine as you are. Also, she has only one character and one character only: Rachel from Friends, who she plays in every single movie. But I have too much integrity to leave her out of the top 10 of the Bobby Hottest 35. And why is she wearing a cowboy hat?

8. Lady Gaga

Not only is she wildly underrated for having such a hot body, but her music actually has a good message. She's firmly against bullying and constantly preaches to be yourself and not care what anybody else says. She's doing real good in the world while being incredibly hot. Very rare.

7. Amber Heard

Probably the most unknown and under-appreciated hottie of my list, I actually have faith that Amber could have a real career. She is actually fairly funny in Pineapple Express throwing jokes off Seth Rogen, and she is delightfully hot and scary as that zombie in Zombieland. She just doesn't have enough street cred to unseat any of the veterans on our list.

6. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Like Rocky Balboa knocked down in the 14th round, we all raised our arms triumphantly like Apollo Creed and thought Jennifer Love Hewitt was done forever. And then she stumbled to her feet at the count of 9 and hit us in the ribs and made us spit up blood.

5. Jessica Biel

Despite setting women back a good 30-40 years in her cringe-inducing humiliating turn in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry where she shamelessly flaunts her ass at the camera and let's Adam Sandler feel her chest, she is pretty much a perfect looking human being. 

4. Megan Fox

Okay, picking between Megan Fox and Jessica Biel is like needing a lawyer and picking from a guy named Dershowitz and a guy named Rothstein. You pretty much can't go wrong. What I respect about Megan Fox is that she seems to want to be more than eye candy. She bashed shitbag Michael Bay over how crappy the Transformers movies are. And she did that Diablo Cody movie, Jennifer's Body. Even though by all accounts it sucked, she clearly thought she was doing a quality project from the woman who wrote Juno. Unfortunately, I won't believe she's any good talent-wise until she proves it. And I feel it's a pretty safe bet she won't.

3. Scarlett Johansson

Any other girl who would go on national TV, talk about her leaked nude pics and declare that she "knows her best angles" would probably be regarded as a stuck-up bitch. But absolutely nobody can argue with her.

2. Blake Lively

Rightfully ridiculed for trying to play off that her leaked pics "weren't her", as if anyone else on the planet could pull off that body, she nearly took the top spot. She's pretty much flawless looking.

As a bonus, she was even delightfully trashy in The Town with Ben Affleck. I have high hopes for Blake. But she still, despite so much in her favor, could not unseat my now 4-time reigning champion....

Presenting the hottest woman in the world according to Bobby for the 4th time in a row...

1. ANGELINA JOLIE

Yeah, I saw the leg thing at the Oscars. It was outrageous, a self-parody, absurd, completely arrogant, totally ballsy and I loved every single second of it. Sticking her right leg out like that was like sticking up a gigantic middle finger at all the haters. Basically like saying "Go ahead, show me anyone else who could pull off this dress like I can. You still can't. Look how sexy this fucking leg is, bitches." 

Angelina Jolie defines hotness to me. A bit completely insane, used to wear Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck like a psychopath, has 15 kids, is an amazingly kind and giving philanthropist, an Academy Award winning actress, a killer body, lips that should be placed in some kind of Lip Hall of Fame, and lest we forget: This is a woman who actually convinced Brad Pitt to dump THIS woman.

And NOBODY questions the logic!

Also, the animated version of her is hotter than most actual people.

I rest my case.

Great Quote

"Why is it that pretty girls think they can just treat everyone like crap and just get away with it?"


"Centuries of reinforcement."


---Tom & Mckenzie (Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Geoffrey Arend), 500 Days of Summer